Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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