I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
