just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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