On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
3pm strippers are depressing
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
