I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
