Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
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