Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
