i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
