I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
