I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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