One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
