Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
