we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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