As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
