He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
