I am midnight drunk by noon
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
