She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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