Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
