dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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