Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
