Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
