I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
