I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
