Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
