Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
