I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
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