2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
not ubering you a puppy
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
