he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
