I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
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