I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
