just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
