so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
