i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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