Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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