And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
