its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
