Already got asked if we're dating
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
