I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
