i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
