My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
