I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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