Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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