Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
