Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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