Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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