for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
