Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize
