So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
