i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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