Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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