And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
